Good evening, whenever you are. My name is John Hodgman.
And I would like you to know that Bernard Maybeck, whom we discussed LAST TIME, not only designed the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco in 1915, but he also designed ANOTHER building for the same Panama-Pacific Exposition.
And that building is called THE HOUSE OF HOO HOO.
Confused? I was! And still am a little bit. Here’s what I found out.
It was January 21, 1892, Gurdon, Arkansas. Five men working for different lumber companies found their train was delayed by 7 hours.
So they did what apparently all guys did in the 1890s when they had time to kill in Arkansas:
They sat on a big pile of lumber and got wildly high.
I say this because not one of them said, “let’s play cards, maybe?” or “should we pass the time telling racist jokes with impunity?” or “maybe we could find some place more comfortable to sit than this wood pile.”
Instead, one of them turned to the other and said, “I know! Let’s you and me start a SECRET SOCIETY. That’s a normal thing to do while waiting for a train!”
And the other one said, “Sold! Here come three other guys. Let’s see if they want to join our secret order of lumbermen.”
And the three other guys said, “Absolutely yes! We’re in! In fact, we just got wildly high and have some great ideas for this secret society. Want to hear them?”
“Yes!”
“First, we should choose as our mascot the black cat, a thing that has nothing to do with the lumber industry.”
“Go on….”
“Second, a cat has nine lives, so we should only meet on the ninth day of the ninth month at 9:09.”
“Totally. Oh, and we should get two other guys to join us! That way there will be nine of us.”
“Oh, fuck yes! And naturally we will call our most senior members the Supreme Nine. Any ideas for Office Titles?”
“Yes, of course. First, the most senior officer will be called The Grand Snark of the Universe.”
“Obviously. What else you got?”
“Under him will be the Bojum, The Scrivenator, the Gurdon, the Arcanoper…”
“Oh, shit, I was just going to suggest there should be an Arcanoper!”
“Plus also there will be the Jabberwork, the Custocatian, and obviously the Senior High Hoo-Hoo and the Junior High Hoo-Hoo.”
“Wait, what’s a ‘hoo-hoo’ now?”
“That’s going to be the name of our order! The Concatenated Order or Hoo-Hoo!”
“Yeah, dude, but ‘hoo-hoo?’ That’s got to be some kind of old racist term? Or sex thing? Or an appropriation/misspelling of a native word or something?”
“Surprisingly for this year 1892, the answer is no! Hoo-hoo means anything sort of weird and unusual. Like, if I see a weird hat, I say ‘that’s a hoo-hoo hat!’”
“Yeah, I’ve never heard that”
“Of course not. I just made it up last month!”
“What inspired you?”
“I was looking at this lumber business guy I know named Charles McCarer. He has this big bald head except for this little tuft of hair on top. He likes to grease it and make it stick up. It’s so weird. And I said, Charles, that’s a hoo-hoo!”
(LONG SILENCE)
“I was wildly high at the time, of course. Because I am a lumber industry professional!”
“Oh now it makes sense! Amazing. And since that guy with the hoo-hoo hair is a lumber industry professional as well, we should get him to join.”
“Whoa! This thing is growing fast! I think we need to set a limit on membership.”
“Yeah, you’re right. How many, do you think?”
“I say we shouldn’t have more than nine thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-nine members.”
“Wow. I mean don’t get me wrong. I LOVE all those nines. But how can we keep it to merely nine thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-nine members?”
“Good point. How about we limit membership to white men?”
“Dude, what the fuck? Are you not wildly high right now? That is a totally normal, on-the-nose shitty thing to propose in 1892.”
“He’s right. That’s not very hoo-hoo, dude.”
“I know, I know. But we have to do something. Everyone’s going to want in on this thing.”
“Ok. Let’s do it.”
“Holy feces, gentlemen, did we just found a SECRET SOCIETY?”
“Yes! How much time til our train comes?”
“6 hours and 45 minutes. Now what should we do?”
“Racist jokes?”
“Sure!”
END SCENE.
Look, I have no idea if these guys actually told racist jokes.
(And the now INTERNATIONAL Order of Hoo-Hoo, which still exists, admits anyone of any background and gender, and all in all seems to be a nice fraternal club for people working in the lumber industry.)
But all the rest is VERY TRUE. Except, I guess, for the getting high part.
Anyway, fast forward to 1915 and they have Bernard Maybeck building a rough hewn timber lodge for them right next to the PALACE OF FINE ARTS.
Where, of course, I will be performing on January 27. At 4PM no less!
It would be nice if you were inclined to press a button and buy a ticket.
In thanks, I’m going to leave this week’s Report to the Membership all FREE on the Stairs for you.
I’ll have a new SECRET MESSAGE for the room at the top of the stairs next week. Involving HERBS AND CHARMS. And maybe a song. So if you want to give someone ASCENDED ACCESS, you can press THIS button.
But it’s always a gift to me if you just tell your friends that we’re meeting in secret here, and it’s fun.
Thank you. Until next time or otherwise, I remain JOHN HODGMAN.
Working backward in time, I attempted to buy the RAGNAROK kit, but from the included link, could find no way to in fact affect said purchase. I totally loved that Production ! What was the name of the Ferociously Talented Woman who sang ? Oh how I'd love to see that show again !
My father-in-law’s father was a lumber industry bigwig. I’ll have to see if he was a Hoo-hooer.